21 Ways the Midwest and Manhattan Differ

Ohio is insightful.

Having been away for so long, I’ve forgotten how different my life is here when compared to my life in New York City. As I settle back in to my midwest state of mind, I’m reminded of these tiny trivial differences that separate my two lives in my two cities.

Over the next fews days, I’ll discuss in detail the Top 21 Ways the Midwest and Manhattan Differ:

1: Brunch in New York is a way of life. Brunch in the Midwest is an afterthought.

2: I haven’t bought gas in months and I walk everywhere.

3: All day parking in Cincinnati costs $10 on average. All day parking in New York City can cost you close to $100.

4: In the Five Boroughs, you can find every conceivable ethnic enclave, class structure, and spoken language on the planet.

5: In Manhattan, citizens want gays to marry. In the Midwest, citizens want gays to move to Manhattan.

6: Blue laws dictate that New Yorkers can buy liquor by noon on Sunday. However, no one in New York knows this because everyone stumbles out of bed by 2:00 pm on Sunday.

7: You can literally find celebrities at the Whole Foods in the Bowery.

8: New York City lacks cornfields, sprawling farms and tornadoes. It does however smell vaguely of urine.

9: You typically gather most representatives of a midwestern city’s media elite into on small conference room. You’d have to rent out Yankee Stadium if you wished to do this in Manhattan.

10: In the Midwest, being poor means you’re actually below the poverty line. In New York, being poor is the new black amongst hipsters and graduate students whose parents pay their rent.

11: Happy Hours are crucial in Manhattan if you ever want to pay the normal price that Midwesterners pay for drinks.

12: There is probably one Falafel stand for every four people in Manhattan.

13: You can take a water taxi to get to the Brooklyn IKEA. I don’t know what a water taxi is.

14: The Midwest has cool breezes often during the summer. New York morphs into a concrete Tandoori oven as soon as the mercury raises past 79 degrees and walking outside feels like walking through a net of dirty gym socks.

15: Both Ohio and New York are bordered by states no one wants to visit, ever. Ohio is impugned by Kentucky whereas New York is plagued by New Jersey.

16: People in the Midwest watch a lot reality television. New York essentially is the basis for all of television’s “reality.”

17: New Yorkers largely consider Midwesterners to be paunchy, hunch-backed , snaggle-toothed yokels with little education, culture and upbringing. The Midwest largely considers New Yorkers to be a phalanx of debauched, gaunt and unreasonably confident gaggle of Midwestern transplants that use the the status of living on or near Manhattan to justify their existence. Both parties are half right.

18: In the Midwest, they have United Dairy Farmers because ice cream is good. In New York, they have Tastee Delite because fooling your body into thinking you’re consuming ice cream rather than whipped vanilla air makes you thin and unsatisfied.

19: Bar hopping in Manhattan is an infinite enterprise; it could take years to visit every pub. Bar hopping in the Midwest can take about six hours, give or take.

20: In New York, trees and grass are the stuff dreams are made of.

21: I can stuff my $1000 per month Brooklyn apartment into the dining room of my $250 Cincinnati apartment.

 

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2 responses to “21 Ways the Midwest and Manhattan Differ

  1. 13 is the best.

    15, you forgot Long Island because it tends to be just as much of a cultural oblivion as New jersey.

    18, CINCINNATI has UDF. The midwest is way, way larger than Ohio. Ohio is barely on the cusp. New York could use a Sonic drive-in, (walk-in?) though.

  2. #3 It costs $9 for just five hours in my building. Damn our proximity to the Bengals stadium.

    #5 Or die, either one.

    #15 I live in Ky. for three years (damn hillbilly husband) before I finally ponied up and got an official Ky. driver’s license. I plan to move us back to Ohio within 5 years.

    #21 You do live in Clifton, right? I paid $600 in rent when I lived in Clifton and that was cheap!

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